Pregnant in my head

Yesterday morning, I was a mom-to-be. This was the thirteenth week of my pregnancy. I was so excited to be at the end of the first trimester, getting ready to openly announce our coming baby, excited about the prospect of maternity clothes. I thought the only gate was our genetic screen, scheduled for this Thursday.

I didn't think anything significant of my monthly check-in which took place yesterday afternoon. At the end of my appointment, I was pleasantly surprised that I would get to hear the heartbeat during this visit. I had only heard it once at 7 weeks. My nurse practitioner could only detect moving liquid with her portable monitor, so she rolled in an ultrasound machine. Jenna started an ultrasound on my stomach, finding only a 9 week old fetus and no heartbeat. Then we lost the power in the building. It would not come back until evening. I was sent home with the knowledge that I didn't have a baby any more. I wasn't a mom-to-be anymore.

I am having a "missed miscarriage". Still feeling pregnant – breast tenderness, what I thought was round ligament pain. No bleeding or spotting. Jenna said that my body is still producing pregnancy hormones. Maybe my spirit wanted this so badly that it just kept pushing my body forward in pregnancy mode in spite of the death of the fetus. My breasts are still tingling. It's hard for me to get my head around the reality when I don't "feel" it's true.