Waiting with baited breath for my ultrasound on 1 June. I hope this pregnancy is sticking. I am certainly sampling the full gamut of pregnancy symptoms. First it was nausea and dizziness. So I bought sea bands. As soon as I purchased them, the nausea stopped. Then it was unending fatigue and thirst. Now I'm bloated, and still thirsty. I'm a little whale, but at least I can stay awake through dinner now. What else - I'm big on top and sore - I finally really require a bra! This is the one good symptom. Oh, and I'm breathless. Not sexy breathless. This is the needing more air as I shift my weight on the couch; I actually needed to stop while walking uphill and panting on Wednesday.
Having symptoms is comforting, but the coming and going is disconcerting. If I don't feel tired one afternoon, I'm sure I've miscarried. I keep recalling my missed miscarriage last year, that I didn't know I had miscarried for three weeks. I know I need to distract myself, and think positively.
Luckily, my friend's bachelorette is this weekend - good friends and something wonderful to celebrate will be a perfect distraction. I do need something sparkly for Saturday night, and sadly can't fit into any of my usual costumes. I wonder where I can find sparkly petite baleine outfits...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Perfect
The nurse called with today's lab results. "Perfect." I was shaking. I think I still am. My HCG beta is 3400. For 85% of pregnancies, in early pregnancy, the HCG level doubles every 48-72 hours. Mine had not quite doubled last Tues to Thurs, which is why I had to take another blood test today.
This time my number went from 534 to 3400 over two 48-hour periods. Very good. As the nurse said, "Perfect."
I hope the rollercoaster ride is over, and this isn't just one of the long straight parts before a loop-the-loop. I just looked up the definition of neurotic: a person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset. Spot on. I need to become the antithesis of neurotic. synonym.com lists "rational" as the antonym. Too bad. That sounds boring.
This time my number went from 534 to 3400 over two 48-hour periods. Very good. As the nurse said, "Perfect."
I hope the rollercoaster ride is over, and this isn't just one of the long straight parts before a loop-the-loop. I just looked up the definition of neurotic: a person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset. Spot on. I need to become the antithesis of neurotic. synonym.com lists "rational" as the antonym. Too bad. That sounds boring.
Friday, May 14, 2010
My Own Private Rollercoaster
Welcome to my little neurotic rollercoaster.
Pregnancy blood test scheduled was for 11 May - the end of the 2WW (see my last post). Ben wanted to go away the weekend before - our second anniversary! We decided to go someplace close to make it easy. We packed Elf in the car and went down the coast to Half Moon Bay. Just what I needed for the last few days of the 2WW.
Friday night I noticed I was spotting, really lightly. Right before we left our house, I had slipped and sat down kind of hard on the floor. A little kid move. I thought this might have been the cause, and/or my progesterone shots. Saturday we went on a relaxing walk on the beach. In town, we bought some metal goat sculptures to add to our urban farm (2nd anniversary - tin!) Still very light spotting.
Sunday morning cramping, spotting turned dark and more flow. I had the physical feeling my period was starting. Everything was moving down. I was sure it was coming. I blamed myself. I shouldn't have... fallen on the floor, gone on such a long walk, etc. I spent an hour in bed desperately searching the web on my iPhone for spotting, cramping, IVF, 2WW, looking for some certainty or hope. But, the forums can only tell you other people's stories. They can't tell you what is happening to you, for certain.
So we drove back to San Francisco in the rain. As soon as we got home, I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I took a home pregnancy test. Positive?! It came out positive. My surmise was that I had been pregnant and I was miscarrying. So I spent the rest of the day on the couch crying and hoping the cramping and spotting would stop.
Weirdly, it did. Monday, no spotting or cramping. No cramping at all. I had run out of pregnancy tests, and frankly didn't have the courage to test again since I was scared I had miscarried, so no pregnancy test on Monday.
Tuesday, I had to go to Sacramento for a two-day offsite. I would stop at UCSF lab on the way for my pregnancy blood test. I had bought another set of home pregnancy tests, and couldn't resist taking one before heading out. Positive? Weird. Ben didn't seem surprised. His smiled and said, "The test on Sunday was positive." OK, maybe this worked.
Tuesday afternoon, I got my results from UCSF. My beta HCG was 303! The nurse said normal range for 14 days post-transfer is above 100, and less than 1000. Smiling Tuesday evening. Read something on a forum about higher HCG possibly meaning twins. Getting ahead of myself and starting to count months til my delivery.
Thursday, I had a second blood test. My beta HCG was 534. The nurse was not completely happy with the number, as it was supposed to double. She said I might have had 2 embryos implant, and 1 was miscarrying. Or that I possibly had an ectopic pregnancy. She said we should be cautious. She didn't want me to be surprised at my first ultrasound. I am to take another blood test on Monday. I had just been getting used to my little fantasy of having a baby in February.
Now waiting for Monday. Monday, Monday.
Pregnancy blood test scheduled was for 11 May - the end of the 2WW (see my last post). Ben wanted to go away the weekend before - our second anniversary! We decided to go someplace close to make it easy. We packed Elf in the car and went down the coast to Half Moon Bay. Just what I needed for the last few days of the 2WW.
Friday night I noticed I was spotting, really lightly. Right before we left our house, I had slipped and sat down kind of hard on the floor. A little kid move. I thought this might have been the cause, and/or my progesterone shots. Saturday we went on a relaxing walk on the beach. In town, we bought some metal goat sculptures to add to our urban farm (2nd anniversary - tin!) Still very light spotting.
Sunday morning cramping, spotting turned dark and more flow. I had the physical feeling my period was starting. Everything was moving down. I was sure it was coming. I blamed myself. I shouldn't have... fallen on the floor, gone on such a long walk, etc. I spent an hour in bed desperately searching the web on my iPhone for spotting, cramping, IVF, 2WW, looking for some certainty or hope. But, the forums can only tell you other people's stories. They can't tell you what is happening to you, for certain.
So we drove back to San Francisco in the rain. As soon as we got home, I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I took a home pregnancy test. Positive?! It came out positive. My surmise was that I had been pregnant and I was miscarrying. So I spent the rest of the day on the couch crying and hoping the cramping and spotting would stop.
Weirdly, it did. Monday, no spotting or cramping. No cramping at all. I had run out of pregnancy tests, and frankly didn't have the courage to test again since I was scared I had miscarried, so no pregnancy test on Monday.
Tuesday, I had to go to Sacramento for a two-day offsite. I would stop at UCSF lab on the way for my pregnancy blood test. I had bought another set of home pregnancy tests, and couldn't resist taking one before heading out. Positive? Weird. Ben didn't seem surprised. His smiled and said, "The test on Sunday was positive." OK, maybe this worked.
Tuesday afternoon, I got my results from UCSF. My beta HCG was 303! The nurse said normal range for 14 days post-transfer is above 100, and less than 1000. Smiling Tuesday evening. Read something on a forum about higher HCG possibly meaning twins. Getting ahead of myself and starting to count months til my delivery.
Thursday, I had a second blood test. My beta HCG was 534. The nurse was not completely happy with the number, as it was supposed to double. She said I might have had 2 embryos implant, and 1 was miscarrying. Or that I possibly had an ectopic pregnancy. She said we should be cautious. She didn't want me to be surprised at my first ultrasound. I am to take another blood test on Monday. I had just been getting used to my little fantasy of having a baby in February.
Now waiting for Monday. Monday, Monday.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Gambler
I was keeping it together pretty well until the last few days of the 2ww. For the uninitiated, that's the two week wait between ovulation/transfer and pregnancy test. For my IUI's I don't remember getting really stressed during the 2ww, just being disappointed when the dreaded period arrived. Initially this time, work was a wonderful distraction. By day 9, however, the realization that this was truly the last option before adoption, and the fear of having to start all over again with a big box o' drugs, began to eat at me.
So, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to calculate the probability that I would end up with 1 implanted embryo. At my age and at UCSF, the probability of any transferred embryo implanting is 22%. 3 were implanted. I taught stats in college as part of a population biology class, and sadly don't remember anything useful. So, I had to resort to the source of knowledge and truth, the internets. At first, it seemed simple. If each embryo is an "independent event", then don't you just add the probabilities? 22% + 22% + 22% = 66% probability that I would get 1 implanted embryo. Well, no, because if you have 3 coin flips, and are looking for 1 heads: 50% + 50% + 50% = 150%. You can't have 150% probability. I found this formula, which looked fabulously simple:
P(A or B) = P(A) + P(B) - P(A and B) - in words, the probability of A or B happening is the probability of A happening, plus probability of B happening, minus the probability of A and B happening. Until I realized I needed to know the probability of A and B happening. This apparently requires logarithms and other things that are truly beyond my ken.
So I had to resort to gambling. Having spent a few long nights at the craps table in Vegas, I felt quite comfortable with this fine and practical application of probability. This gambling table was perfect. Check out section 2, The Fundamental Table of Gambling (FTG). I was somewhere close to, probably over, 60% probability of 1 embryo implanting.
Great! But then I remembered that I'm only 1 person, and probabilities apply to populations. Boo.
So, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to calculate the probability that I would end up with 1 implanted embryo. At my age and at UCSF, the probability of any transferred embryo implanting is 22%. 3 were implanted. I taught stats in college as part of a population biology class, and sadly don't remember anything useful. So, I had to resort to the source of knowledge and truth, the internets. At first, it seemed simple. If each embryo is an "independent event", then don't you just add the probabilities? 22% + 22% + 22% = 66% probability that I would get 1 implanted embryo. Well, no, because if you have 3 coin flips, and are looking for 1 heads: 50% + 50% + 50% = 150%. You can't have 150% probability. I found this formula, which looked fabulously simple:
P(A or B) = P(A) + P(B) - P(A and B) - in words, the probability of A or B happening is the probability of A happening, plus probability of B happening, minus the probability of A and B happening. Until I realized I needed to know the probability of A and B happening. This apparently requires logarithms and other things that are truly beyond my ken.
So I had to resort to gambling. Having spent a few long nights at the craps table in Vegas, I felt quite comfortable with this fine and practical application of probability. This gambling table was perfect. Check out section 2, The Fundamental Table of Gambling (FTG). I was somewhere close to, probably over, 60% probability of 1 embryo implanting.
Great! But then I remembered that I'm only 1 person, and probabilities apply to populations. Boo.
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